vh1 Soul....pretty wings....

so. I'm pretty much done with my junior year but yet I'm still sitting here pondering the past. I recently put up a status talking about how DRY my life in Va has been. Booskies leave and go but I never found that one that I wanted to claim back in California. People asking me, do you have a boyfriend? Who is the lucky guy? but I really cant get the nerve to tell any positive things about the men I've dated.

vh1 soul is playing in the background and I see all these artists and musicians expressing true love. Right now I'm really feeling "pretty wings" by Maxwell. I still dream of the day when I will wake up to someone that I am really in love with. I want to float my pretty wings one day knowing that he is there or me. . .

I'm turning 21...like next week and I still havent had a real boyfriend. So therefore I'm still dreaming.

Forget all this dating crap, I need to find my soulmate, my lover.

India. Arie has been keeeping me seign all week.

I cant express myself like i want to anymore.

I feel like my emotions are shot.

So India. Arie is helping me bring back that passion.

Friday Morning Thoughts

I'm supposed to be studying right now but um, who cares. Some things just been going through my mind lately and its the fact that I tend to settle lately. I dont set my expectations for MEN as high as i should be doing. Maybe its because I'm lonely and sometimes in order to get that attention I need to let my gaurd down. I'm not even talking about in a hoe way. But actually in a step out of my box way.

For example, I recently took a different approach to finding guys. But it confused to the shit outta me cause I kept trying to figure out if he was into me or someone else. And I'm not talking about women...ugh....I dont even know why I thought I could be the type of girl to figure stuff out like that or even want to. It only has frustrated me and I basically given up cause there is no use trying to change a person's perception. If he dont like me, then he doesnt. I just find it weird the reason why he prolly not into me, and I'm not going to figure that out.

Okay another thing thats bothering me, I guess I should be flattered that possibly your boyfriend wants to lowkey be with me. But I feel like I dont need to be everyone's fantasy. This past week I have been called untouchable and now I understand why. This guy expressed his feelings for me and I couldnt even reject them. Not only does he have a girlfriend but he so persistent. All I do is be myself and for some reason that is all I need to do to attract this weird attention. I'm still debating if I like it, but I am not the disrespectful type AT ALL to act on it. If my dude was having secret crushes on other women I'd be pissed. For now I will just enjoy this attention cause I clearly dont get it from the guys I REALLY LIKE.

BLAH.

Growing Pains

I'm in pain.

Emotional my heart cant breathe

My mind is physically causing these pains

Restless sleeping

wishing and waiting and hoping

putting it all together in hopes to emotionally detach myself from something. . .

something that slowly eats away my soul

slowly makes me feel that I am not as good as the other

or as bad as you want me to be

The pain runs through my viens and after every sip

and every puff...

The pain slowly exhales

But only for that moment I am painLESS

Less tired, less focused on my reason for my presence for my existence

for my life. ..

I speak these words and I talk this game

but when I start to feel that pain again. . .

I begin to wish and to wait to hope

that finally I breathe again.

Girl its Photoshoot. . .but wait. . .

YOUR TRACK IS SHOWING!

ok so today I had revelation, I was sitting in class today and a girl was in front of me just a brushing and flippin her hair. It was so distracting to me because I kept noticing her bits of hair sticking out and there was STRING dangling from her SCALP. Being a black women, I know that we are sensitive about her hair so if i was to tap her and be like "bitch cover that shit up" (but in a nice way) she would turned around and try to rip my naps out my head. I dont even have a weave but I woulda needed one after we got thru fighting LoL.

I have no problem with weave whatsoever, they are just apart of life and I've learned to accept them and use them sparingly. But when it has become your lifestyle and you begin to hide your identity underneath a full headed weave or you try to put in a few tracks to add length but your hair isnt long enough to cover the sting?! then honey, we have a problem. TAKE IT OUT!

I think women are so caught up in this long and flowing hair that they think that they can magically transform it with a 9.99 milky way pack and a roomate on your dorm floor. Negative. I feel that if you want to achieve the celebrity look and you want it to be an everyday hairstyle PLEASE invest in it. Treat your hair like its life or death. Do you want to die with a bad weave? no. LoL (sorry im laughing in the library)

Take the time to learn your hair texture, what products to use, and what type of hair color or brand that best blends with your hair. A hairstylist is key when adding tracks to your head. Although ya girlfriend is only gonna charge you $20 for half of head, it will only but what its worth, 20 hours....and then poof be gone, you will be sitting in front of me and I will be writing about you in my blog.

Lmao.

If you have a VAGINA please leave me alone.

I hate females. well i take that back cause like 2 of my bestfriends have vaginas but no, omg. I've just been thinking about all the guys I've dated and the reasons why I'm not with them to this day and it has to do with another BITCH. Either he cheated on me for a female or the female's jealousy caused me not to even want to continue liking him.

I have friends, male friends lots of them. Most of them are wifed up but more importantly they treat me like their bestfriend. I do not invade their relationship, its really not my fault if they ask me for advice about their girlfriends. But when I have to deal with jealous girls who hate on me because their relationship with their man is not on the level as me, it gets IRRITATING. Especially when I actually do like a guy, its like females already think its a competition to get him over me. I dont even care most of the time, because he ends up diggin me and ditchin YOU.

I'm not gonna toot my horn too hard, but ummm....my persona is pretty fab and I do attract alot of people in my life. My mom just got done telling me that my brother and I are the most sociable young people she has ever encounted in her whole life and she works with students ages 14-25.

I dont know, I guess you can say that I just hate the jealousy right now and its only making me think because I have a WEIRD ASS CRUSH right now. so yeah, im done.

Your Queen Has Spoken.

I need Love. The End.

Senior-itis has just kicked in. . .

Hopped up outta bed took a look in the mirror and said.....one more effin year! LoL

So I went to see my advisor today and after hours of calculating, signing, and discussing I have officially applied for graduation. And to top it off, when I thought I didnt even have enough credits to be a senior, I am technically a senior so you know what that means?!?

ATTENTION: Mareesa has an early case of Senior-itis and will be celebrating life until May 2010. If you wish to graduate on time and are still currently a junior answer her phone calls and texts with caution.

I'm just so happy right now, cause I'm over Hampton. It's been a long grueling 3 years of my life, and I plan to celebrate my last year in college before I enter the real world. I am beyond ready to become an adult and step out into the world to start my career of a lifetime.

It's really funny to me because some of my peers have told me that they want to be in college forever. WTF?! I can understand why because everything we do here is routine; classes, homework, meetings, drink, party, and repeat. And everything is paid for in advance so you really dont have to worry about a raise or losing your job (unless you dropout of school). So you're basically paying four years of life. indeed. Now some of my closer peers are like me, bad case of senioritis ready to graduate and get the "pluck" up outta here. This week should be a happy week for all my fellow juniors cause we are registering for our last year of classes and applying for graduation. . .so instead of staring at me when u see me in the streets, give me a high-five cause I'm going to GRADUATE.

your tribe leader has spoken. o_O

Hold On Oakland. . .

Opression (n): a sense of being affected as if with a body or mind.

The mentality of the people living in Oakland is opressed. They are searching in all of the wrong places for a way out. It is not their fault they were born into this kind of enviornment but becomes your fault when you allow the hardships to effect your life.

This past saturday, right on the corner of 73rd and MacAuthur a man by the name of Lovelle Mixon was standing over two police officers that were on the ground. He had already shot them and proceed to shoot them dead once again. It didnt stop there. A massive manhunt went down in east oakland to find this guy and shoot him dead. in the process he shot 2 other officers.

So in result 3 officers have died and one is brain dead because this guy was stopped for an expired registration. YOU DUMMY! you killed innocent people because you were too stupid to possible drive a car that had the right registration. You're on the parole in the first place so it makes no sense for you to be driving around east oakland tryna to act like you are hard as shit. I know he's dead right now and its his judgement and I doubt God is letting him through those gates, matter of fact, I hope he learns a lesson in hell because we are all suffering over here.

I'm not in Oakland right now, but I have been told by sources that high schools, streets, hoods, are mourning the officers for once. My father and bestfriends father wear badges when they wake up every morning to make sure that we as citizens obey the law. As a protection for the community, I am allowing my family to protect us and this is how it goes down in Oakland. "Fuck the police". . .yeah I hear that all the time but if you were in my shoes you will soon find out that if you baby daddy was a OPD you would not be tryna shoot him brain dead, thank you.

Maybe it was payback...or maybe it just the opression we so live in.

look for yourself:

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1870899437?bctid=17147773001

Love, Sex, and Magic

u guys i love this video for some reason.

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh8y19hV0r1a2L7q0F

Not to go off topic but its something about touch. It's been awhile since I have expressed my sexuality and since its a way of life I found that a simple touch can go a long way. . .I hate it when people act like they can't be touched, hugged, or even just a tap on the shoulder. I'm not tryna fight you i just wanna Love you. tehehehe.

11 months Strong!!

Sophomore year was the worst hair year in my life. . .it was falling out and I hid my hair under countless weaves, darn my life. It was time for a change and I had to go home to figure that out.



For my 20th Birthday i cut all my hair of right before my surgery. and It has been a big transition in my life. I have grown to love my hair at its natural state but honey lemme tell you, I cried my EYES out the day my hair dressed snipped that shit off. I called my mom and went straight to eastmont mall and picked me up the most ghetto ass wig that I could find. I was so embarassed that my hair was only one inch long. . .that kinna length is suicide to black girls these days...and if you cant grip it, you can just forget about it........

NOT. Cutting my hair off and not by choice the most liberating thing I could possibly do for my life. It forced me to let go of all my struggles and i became fearless. With no hair I had to find self-confidence from within. A weave and makeup was not going to define me and I had all summer to practice on loving my natural look.

Here are some pictures of my transition:

I love Gay Men. Period.

So if you're single right now I advise you to put on your sexy and head to the nearest gay club with your girls...not lesbian but GAY men club. You're probably looking at me crazy but last night was one of the best times I ever had in the Hampton Roads area.

a guy i met told me about Wave and said to come on thursdays for 80's night. i was all for it because i wanted to step out my box for one, and i felt like being around more white people, (sorry). Oh and it was all 6 bucks, who can beat that?! lol So before me and my homegurl could get into the club we were greeted by Mr. Wave, he was the most CUTEST gay guy i have ever met. Everyone was so nice and made me laugh right when i stepped in.

Warning: The type of atmosphere Wave has is not for the average norm. There is voguing, booty poppin, and all kind of craziness around so if you're used to the black hip hop clubs...come with an open mind.

anyways, i had the time of my life because for one i got more compliments then any other club i have ever been to. "Your beautiful" and 'bitch you better work!" were sprinkled to me throughought the night. Ladies, if you're feeling down in the dumps, gay men will make it all better lol

Dont get me wrong, i met straight guys and girls that were frequent visitors. some went to oDU, some locals, some in the navy. Everyone really just wanted to get fucked up and have a good time and thursday nights in norfolk, the WAVE was their spot.

So yea just happy about life right, Queen has spoken.

I've been having writers block and went on spring vacation and almost forgot I had a blog. LoL

I was scrolling thru facebook while sitting in my African American Lit class when I came across one of my guys friends statuses. it read:

"Thowing up my heartbreaker towel and jumping back out into the sea"

Instead of commenting for all of facebook to see I text him personally how he was feeling ya kno? His response was "Dont analyze it". Well first thing I thought is you obviously just made yourself available to the facebook community that you want a girlfriend and that you had ur feelings hurt in the past. How is any chick not going to analyze it? Before all you single ladies get excited and search ur facebook statuses take caution because I do not believe these boys out here know what they're talking about. For all we know he could be throwing his pimp towel away...lol

These past few days have been interesting. but I will save it more blog post topics.

The queen has spoken, or shall i say whispered lol

Why am I single?

Just like Tyler Perry's "Why Did I get Married?" I question myself about why I am still single til this day. I know I am not alone because this topic reaccures in pretty much all my girlfriends lives. I am independent, I got my own car, pay my own bills..blah blah blah but I aint got no man. LoL It's funny now but when you find yourself humming to "put a ring on it" your flapping your hand back and forth with an attitude but there is still no ring on your finger.

I figured out that I am the only reason why I am single. I have dated and talked to plenty of guys in my time frame and not one guy has touched me in a way to where I feel they are on the same level as me. I feel as if my mind and intellect is not what a guy is looking for right now. Just because I do not want to sit on the phone and talk about nonsense and because I'd rather text the small talk...some boys dont understand.

Especially when it comes to sex, when I meet you that is not the first thing on my mind when I see u, its the second LoL. I am tired of meeting guys and by the 3rd phone call they are on some "So what the freakest thing you've done?" What happened to stimulating my brain cells and asking questions about how I view life or more importantly what I wanna do after I GRADUATE. It's no time for games, if a guy is only looking for sex outta me, dont wait til I fall for you to try and drop my drawls...tell me what u want so I can kindly shut u DOWN.

Recently I have finally noticed that I am not the average woman at my school that a guy is looking for. For one, I have natural kinky hair, and that becomes very intimidating and is not accepted amongst most black men. It's all about the long hair dont care, I am not petite nor slender...I am not fat but I am pretty thick border line chunky curvacious woman. I pretty much do not fit the social norm which is PERFECT for my life but its probably the reason why I am single right now.

hmmm....I guess I will be single until I leave this bubble called Hampton University and step out into the real world where I will find my match that will intellectually stimulate my mind and my body, praise every curve of my skin, and will love me for being a strong black, and successful woman.

Don't Let Haters Hush You

I woke up bright and early for sunday service today at Sixth Mount Zion Baptist Temple Church. . .I've been a church-going girl all my life but it becomes hard for me to make it a priority during the school year. . .I really am working on keeping my relationship strong with God because everytime I go to church he speaks to me. . .speaking of which the pastor preached a sermon just to me it seemed like. . .

This past week I have been evaluating myself in many ways pretty unsure of if my actions are what caused some of the things that has happened to me last weekend and last week. Today I stopped myself because I realized that I have a lot of haters that stepped into my life or really just showed me that they were hatin on me this past week. I also realized that they have been trying to bring me down and in the midst of my happiness and jeapordizing my well being.

We need to remember that haters will remind you how good God has been to you and no matter how successful you are, how powerful your mind is, they will try to minimize you so they can Maximize themselves. It's funny how I could name out certain people that have recently stepped into my path that are trying to build themselves up by breaking me down. It goes as little remarks about how I wear my hair natural, how not average I am to the next chick, the choices I make to make me happy, it's alot of things that haters loves to chastize me with. Pastor said haters always wanna validate who you are and what you need to be, look like, and how you should live your life, and you know why? CAUSE THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

I am proud to say that I know who I am and who I have become. I am also trying to improve in many aspects of my life but I have security and a strong relationship with Christ so there are many reasons to praise him each day. . .and if for some reason a hater doesnt want to see me happy and want to smack my smile off my face just because I'm having a good day. . .well poof be gone.

and so I leave you with a some words of wisdom from the queen:

"God puts Haters in your life as a reminder to why you are so blessed to be who you are"

You can now find Friends at 7-11

I woke up thinking about my friends. . .well I lied God came first but after I thanked him for another day Friendship came to mind. Over the years, since high school I've been surrounded with friends but there are only a handful of them that I really call my friend. Have you ever found yourself receiving texts or random phone calls from friends that you hardly talk to? I call those convenient friends.

What is a convenient friend to me? I would have to say the ones that honestly know NOTHING about your life and aren't really interested because when they call, text, or see you they will not ask about you just about themselves. I am a very nice person and if you meet me I can be very likable so I will never turn down a person who wants to be my friend, but If I'm not too fond of you I will keep my distance in a nice manner. I do not call people randomly asking things for myself, or where a party is at if I haven't talked to you in awhile. I find that kind of rude. . .I've met alot of people in my life from all over the world and I know everyone lives busy and separate lives, but just like my mom has always told me. . There is always room for your friends.

I remember when I was a freshman in high school. . .I used to have this big clique that I would be with everyday but if you noticed girls do not get along in large numbers of 3 or more. Jealousy arose and I found myself stuck in the middle of two groups of girls fighting for my friendship. It really became a big mess and one of the girls even had me choose between her friendship and that other girl. I couldn't believe that I was going through this. . . and i also couldn't believe them hoes were fighting over me. I ended up ignoring everyone lol. . .I joined the track team and found my passion. My personality attracts people and never wants them to leave because for the rest of high school I had convenient friends. I left high school with three really good friends who were interested in my life and not a competition.

So anyways, last semester there was a big seminar with HILL HARPER that not enough people went to and he spit some serious knowledge in my head about friendship. He told us that a friend is someone who calls and asks how you are, how's your life, listens, is your real friend. But a friend who calls you because they had something on their mind (which really isnt you) is a convienant friend. That really stuck with me because it's alot of people that I speak to but I don't really know anything about them. . .

I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but I never forget a friend that has truely listened to me, and cares about my well being... and I want to value true friendship so my goal for myself is to become a better friend. . .and leave the convienant ones at 7-11

Blame it on the. . . .Alcohol?

NO. blame it on yourself, for throwing too many shots back just so you can do some ridiculous things you wouldnt dare do if you were sober. lmao.

It's clearly thursday, and if not like any school, Hampton is definitely known for their "thirsty thursdays". It's the day that most students are done with classes and they want to start unofficial 4 day weekend. So like any other thursday morning I go to my 8 am class log onto facebook to check my messages and their in my mini-feed someone status has already said "Feeling thirsty. . .what's poppin tonite?". . .[pause] wait a damn minute. . .it has only been a few hours since the sun has risen and people are already parched for alcohol. But why?
So i will admit that I like to have my drink or two. . .but to wakeup wanting to throw back some jose cuervo is not what's on my mind first thing in the morning.

As an observer all my life, and especially in college, I've watched countless of times girls get dressed to either WALK or park their cars in the harbors to go to someone's kitchen, get drunk or what they call pregame, shake they ass a lil in the living room, yell out on the balcony, then pass out by 11 pm. They are obviously too drunk to go to a party, let alone drive anywhere, and are more then likely vulnerable and in some cases now need ATTENTION. The only problem I see with this scenerio is it happens from thursday until sunday.

Freshman year is for trial and error but I feel like if your transcript gives you enough credits be an upperclassmen, you should NOT be repeating what u did freshman year or doing what u never got a chance to do sophomore year cause your parents finally let you drive the whip down. And ladies if you are 21? why do we still have houseparties? Maybe it's just me, well i think it is just me, but when I turn 21 (May 18th for all u suckas) I will be going to the club, preferbaly Los Vegas, getting myself a drink, putting on my grown and sexy..and being GROWN I will invite my closest friends to party with me at a venue that doesnt look like a CRACKHOUSE. Fortunately my birthday does not hit during the school year so I will not have to succomb to the foolery that happends at Hampton University when its your birthday. But I seem to be running on a tangent. . .

So from thursday to Sunday insecure girls running around the city up hampton, burning up gas, party hopping, just to be seen, drunk. I honestly can name a handful of young ladies that venture across the bridge to meet new people and guys and try out the latest lounges and clubs. It's okay to get a few drinks there. . .but when you run ur mileage up cruising mercury blvd. to look at the same people you've seen during the week. . it gets pretty dry, then you start looking DRY too. lmao (i crack myself up)

I've met alot of people my junior year because I was able to venture out to different schools and I really do encourage girls to leave Hampton some weekends because you can really be missing out on something or even someone. Hampton lacks many things and a social life is one of them

So anyways, what I'm trying to say is if you wake up thursday morning feeling thirsty. . .just drink some WATER!!!

How to become a local celebrity in one weekend

Someone asked me why I havent started a blog yet and of course I told them that I would rather write in my journal but I really cant find that thing in the first place. I bought like 50 of them in the past year and only wrote in them once. I think its time that I joined the blog world. My goal is to really define myself and express myself so that people will learn about the real me. I kinda think that I have alot of personal opinions on EVERYTHING that goes around me and I would like for the whole world to know how EFFED up it could be.

So anyways, I will start with why I officially can't stand certain guys on this campus. My school is predominently female so that makes the 10% of males on this campus feel like they are the hot shit. and here's why. . .of that 10% there are 5% that are downlow or gay so that leave a good 25 or so decent guys to froluck around campus assuming they are celebrities. But guess what? Back in their little small town or suburbs of new york. . .they were NOBODIES, class clows, the slow boy, the nerd, the anything you can possibly think of that will give you the stank face....NOT COOL in HIGH SCHOOL...without coming to hollywood or touching a red carpet...boys on this campus are ego-tripping.

How to be a Hampton Celebrity:
1. Be a male that plays a sport or where's blue and white warm-ups everyday
2. Be a freshman jump-off that is everyone's "little sister"
3. Become a bougie student leader that does nothing but party
4. Pretend like you are a supermodel even thou u are 5'3" tryna stunt in all the fashion shows
5. Wear a weave- whether its knotted, glued, matted, just as long as its long
6. Be a greek whether you are suspended or not
7. Females call yourself lowkey...meaning you lowkey sleep with every guy and you tell them after you are done that to keep this "lowkey"
8. Have an unlimited bank account from the Bank you called "mom and dad". . .then go shopping with it so you can have the latest pocketbook or shoes to stand in the student center for 20 minutes before you have to go to class. LoL

The list could go on. . .but I rather not go there. . .despite the desperate need for orignality on this campus there are a few people that do not fit into the "celebrity status" and please reward yourself if you do not get into the "crackhouse" parties on fridays and the greeks do not know you by your first name...you are truley original and shall keep that til u GRADUATE.

Until I feel the need to splurge, The Queen has spoken.